The maid of honor just puked.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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