honey bunches of taint.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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