ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
