I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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