He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
