I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
