Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
