So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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