She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
