Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
