textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do vagina's smell?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
