I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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