the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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