Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they need to just BURY HIM!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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