Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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