Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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