I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
