just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
