I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
