i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
two words: eviction party
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
