FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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