new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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