Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize