i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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