i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Drunk is not a location!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
