i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
