Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize