My liver just broke up with me...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
