Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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