I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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