so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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