I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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