He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
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