There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
