Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
