I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
