He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
