did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
