Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
