I must be too annoying 4 u.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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