my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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