then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
