I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We had to coat check the pizza.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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