Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
