Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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