Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
