Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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