i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
