I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
