I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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