you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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