I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm always down for nudity.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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