I love black thongs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
