Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I need moral support for this bender
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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