benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
