Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
