Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
