Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
