Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
