You smell like stripper and shame
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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