I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
