I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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