Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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