i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
