swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My penis needs a shock collar
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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