The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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