Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
