yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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