You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
