I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize